"The Sound of Silence"

Every month or so when it is about that time to post again, it has been fairly easy to know what to write about. It seems like God always places something in the front of my mind or on my heart as a 'theme,' if you will, for the month. The month of November has no post for a number of reasons. One, I will admit part of it has been a lack of time. Two, no 'theme' has presented itself. And three, God has been pretty silent. Interesting how those three are present together.

Obligation or accountability to post has been knocking, and getting something down has become a pressing task. Nothing has changed concerning the purpose for the blog, 'to stay accountable to digging into God's word and sharing (a little disappointed no one held me to it) what is being revealed for the purpose of reflecting and learning.' Obviously, 'a pressing obligation' is far from the purpose, but difficult to write when I have no theme...or so I thought.

Since I was eight years old I wanted to teach PE and Health and coach. Nine months ago I began to hear the idea that maybe that is not what God had planned for me. A month later I was actually listening to that idea. Part of my hesitation of letting go of that dream was because it was comfortable, all I ever wanted. And, no big deal, only spent five years paying tuition to get there. If teaching was not the plan, not only did I have to ask the question 'what is,' but also be ok with the answer and what that entailed. That was nine months ago...waiting...




Would it really be that hard God to cue us in on what's going on in life and where we are going? After all, we are the ones living it. Knowing a little more might make life a little easier. Not the 'eat from the tree and see all know all' direction, but answers to prayer would be helpful when we feel lost.

Out in the back country, away from everything and everyone, a fundamental rule of survival: when you feel lost and do not know where you are, stop. Do not go anywhere, do not panic, sit and WAIT. Begin with what you know, retrace your steps, you probably are not as lost as you thought. The same is true when life is confusing and you are in a spiritual desert or wilderness. The same God who LED you in will lead you out; and you will probably find you know a lot more about your situation and what God's will is for your life than what you think.

God and you, it's a relationship. A covenant. Covenants are not all about what we get out of it, sometimes it is about sticking it out, through thick and THIN. How often do we confuse God's silence with absence? It is true what they say, 'you don't know what you got till it's gone.' So often we have to lose something before we understand how much we actually love it. We become so self sufficient so fast when we always know where we are and where we are going. Do we really want to know? Be in charge? Lead the way? Would we choose the right path?

In a world of drive throughs, instant communication, and immediate gratification, we are an impatient people and waiting can be quite the game. God has a history of allowing people to wait, often without his presence being evident. Abraham and Isaac, Joseph, Moses, Joshua, David...all of us for that day, but oh the reward!

In the midst of waiting and silence the scripture on the schedule was Isaiah 29-33. "...to those who carry out plans that are not mine...who go down to Egypt without consulting me; who look for help to Pharaoh's protection, to Egypt's shade for refuge...in quietness and trust is your strength...yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion...BLESSED ARE ALL WHO WAIT FOR HIM...although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more...whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it."...the Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.

When our patience is put to the test, how do we react? Does waiting affect our attitude and mood? What attributes of God do we focus on? What does it say to God when we do not wait in faith? In the spirit of Christmas and giving gifts...a kid's anticipation leading up to Christmas is half the enjoyment to actually opening the gift. Is not the same true for the one who gives that gift?  How much more do we enjoy and appreciate something that we have waited for?

"The Story"

So life is about slowing down, living in the here and now, surrounding yourself with good people, spending your time in the right places, and working hard to gain a perspective more like God's. Where are you today? How did you get here? 

Where are you right now? Physically yes, but mentally, spiritually, emotionally. What things happened and fell into place for you to be there? Was there a disappointment or "no" from God included in the list? 

I have been spending a lot of time reading about David's life and how God formed a heart like his, that we so often seek. (clear through the length of this entry) As a pre-teen David spent his days out in the wilderness, as a shepherd, tending his father's sheep. Samuel comes along and after looking over all of David's brothers, picks him to anoint as the future king of Israel! Begin to imagine what was running through David's teenage mind! I am going to be king over Israel? Who am I that God would choose me? I can only imagine David was feeling a scramble of mixed emotions including some huge anxieties, fears, much uncertainty, and I am convinced that David never imagined a road to the throne like the one God had planned. 

After his anointing with Samuel, king Saul called upon David to serve in his courts. Here, away from his family and duties as a shepherd, David meets Jonathan. David and Jonathan formed the truest written account of friendship we have on record. A friendship that 'let NOTHING come between them.' And oh how SO many things could have come between them. Jonathan was Saul's son, the prince of Israel, the next in line for the throne. As 'Saul slain his thousands and David his ten thousands,'  'the LORD was with David, but had departed from Saul.' David became wiser, stronger, and more popular with time. Saul's heart grew more and more jealous of David, in fear of compromising him and his families lineage to the throne. 

As fear rose and jealousy grew, how easy would it have been for Jonathan to jump on the bandwagon his father, the king, began? After all, the throne was lawfully his. Jonathan looked at the world through a different set of eyes than his father. In David, Jonathan SAW the characteristics of a king and CHOSE to offer everything he had to make sure God's chosen tool made it to his destination. Jonathan could have been angry at God for promising David the throne, had opportunity to betray David time and time again, but instead he CHOSE to love David, CHOSE to stand up to a heart of darkness, even if it was his father. If you read the account of David and Jonathan's' friendship, David did NOTHING to earn Jonathan's love and respect, Jonathan CHOSE David. In the same way, God chooses us. 

FIFTEEN years passed from the time David was anointed by Samuel to the day he was actually crowned king of Israel. Saul hated David, truly despised him. He attempts at Davids life with his spear while David is still in his presence and personally hunts him down later on. If your life was in danger, your family was also in danger. Davids family is forced to pack up their life and relocate in a foreign land. We never hear of them again, they despise David for ruining their lives, after they come to him for strength and protection with the rest of the distressed, burdened, and weary people of the land. Some kingdom huh? Same shepherd, different sheep. 

God wasn't finished. Saul pursued David harder, he pushed him out into a physical desert, but also an emotional and spiritual desert, David was forced to flea, alone. Read through some of David's Psalms; they are pretty Job like, David was depressed. How could he not be? All his hopes and dreams that the LORD instilled and incited in him by anointing him had to have been smashed to smithereens. At twenty years old, David is literally running for his life, abandoned by his family. To top it all off, David has no one to confide in. It's not like he and Jonathan could skype or text. During these next ten years of David's life, God prepares his chosen one, even further, to be the leader he needs to be. 

Amidst hunger, which let's be serious makes everything ten times worse than it actually is, is fatigue, fear, anxiety…the list could continue, David is cave hopping. Living off the land, understanding the terrain, killing lions (no tigers) and bears, oh my! Ironic that David spent his younger years as a shepherd boy? 

David has the opportunity, more than once, to take Saul's life. Yet he refuses. David wasn't interested in simply getting to the throne. He wanted to get to the throne God's way, even if it was the hardest thing he would ever live through. God clearly states, "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: it is MINE to avenge." (Rom 12:19) Thinking twice about really praying for your enemies? They will be victims of God's wrath! David respected God more than he desired revenge. Temptations we face may not always be from the evil one, but may instead be a test from God.

As David lived and looked ahead, his future seemed pretty bleak. What did he do? Prayed, the most practical response that I think we often overlook. David admitted his need for the LORD and begged for deliverance from his situation, (one of many parallels to Christ) cried aloud to God, and poured out his complaints before him. Pouring out our troubles to everyone else makes us a complainer, but God just hears a melody. 

"…We pour out our miseries 

God just hears a melody

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah…"

(Amy Grant, Better Than a Hallelujah) 

As God continues to use the struggles leading to the throne to prepare His chosen king, David rehearses his trust in God and continues to seek his will. On more than one written account, before David is on the throne, he physically asks God what it is that the LORD desires. Ever feel like you are working so hard, but feel God isn't  holding up His end of the deal? The holy spirit ALWAYS does His job, but we don't always do ours. We work SO hard sometimes when it should be just the opposite. Let go. 

We get so independent and self sufficient so fast when life is without trials. Why do we think it is supposed to be easy? God never promised life would be easy or fair, beauty of grace, but He DOES promise that he will use pain for GOOD and sustain us EVERY step of "the way." 

At the age of thirty, (same age Jesus "began" his ministry) FIFTEEN years after being anointed, David is crowned king of Israel. Saul and his sons, yes that included Jonathan, have been killed. 

Let's review what David learned. Knew how to lead, how to be led, knew the land, knew how to fight, knew true friendship, knew betrayal, KNEW faith, knew patience, knew hunger, and I am missing several, but more importantly knew how to do any of the above WITH God. Life is not about the throne, it's about getting there. It's the journey that matters. 

How well are you walking? Are you following close enough to Christ's heels to be covered by the dust he kicks up? The hebrew term for walk is 'halak,' also translated as 'living out the story.' How will you know how He' halaks' if you are not immersed in his word? 'Halak-ing' is no easy task, but, God promises to be faithful, promises to 'halak' with us. Often times this is through a Jonathan. Someone who will give anything for you, and encourage you when 'halak-ing' becomes difficult. Hazak, the hebrew word for 'be strong' means to encourage or cheer the story on. 

Where are you right now? Fifteen years from now will you have a story of God's faithfulness to tell? In the heat of the moment, it often seems like God and faithfulness cannot be in the same sentence… remember, perspective. Be a Jonathan, cheer the story on, 'hazak!' Seek a heart like David, walk as Jesus walks, 'halak!' 

"Blessings"

Heard this on the radio a few times in the last month and absolutely fell in love with it and it's message...partially because it puts what I was attempting to say into words through clearly a much more aesthetically pleasing manor. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mmgV6mPvb0&feature=related 


Blessings - Laura Story 


We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

"My Front Porch Looking In"

This has taken me a long time to compose. I write something and am not pleased with  it, think it doesn't make sense nor says what I am trying to convey and leave it alone for awhile. I come back to it,  try again, and am still not satisfied. I hope somehow God can make this make as much sense on paper as it does in my head. 

As I have been reading I have been thinking a lot about the attributes of God. I look at the story of Noah and see destruction and chaos, God wiping out all he created because it was not functioning as he had created it to be. Joshua, conquering land after land, destroying city after city, instructed by God to destroy in his name, 'do not leave alive anything that breathes.' For SEVEN YEARS Joshua and the Israelite army massacre town after town killing women, children, anything with air in it's lungs and burning what remained. I look at the story of Babel and see more wrath and anger that lead to chaos and destruction. 

I see wrath, anger, and destruction in these stories. God was angry at a people that were doing evil and not living according to His will. He wiped them out, covered all he had created, that had become chaotic, with more chaos = water. (water to God's people was a representation of chaos. The people were afraid of water and it's unknowns and unpredictability.) Later on, humanity following the flood resolved to build a city with a tower 'with it's top in the heavens.' God sent confusion and created chaos once again. Joshua and the Israelite army? What was not chaotic about such massacre? 

While I look at these things and begin to see running themes of chaos and destruction, anger and wrath, could it be that God see's something different? God may have wiped out what he created, but he also spared the most righteous among the people at the time. He then went as far as making a promise with the humanity he destroyed. Joshua was instructed to go to the land which was given to the Children of Israel, fulfilling His promise to Moses to 'be with you.' Just because our circumstances change, does not mean God's attributes do. God is, was, is still, and will always, be loving, forgiving, faithful, compassionate, gentle, kind, and the list could go on, it just depends on our perspective. 

So then, how is God looking in on the middle east? illegal immigration? Those too are his people. What is His agenda? Jonah was called to go east, he went west because Nineveh was like the captain of the enemy against God's people. While we see a storm, God is just trying to get Jonah's attention. Jonah bails, for all intent and purpose, committing suicide, but God already has a rescue boat in place to swallow him up. 


Always wish the budget wasn't quite so tight? How do you know you would be a good steward of wealth if you had more of it? Never satisfied no matter how many miles you run or crunches you do? How do you know you would not have the right intensions for wanting those six pack abs? No matter how hard you work, you never get the position? What would you do with the position once you got there? What would happen under you watch? Could it be God is protecting you from something you do not have the perspective to see? 

It is not about what we want, or even about what we know, but about what God is trying to show us. It all depends on our perspective. 

"Time"

Today on the radio a station was discussing the quote "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." This is the first I had heard this statement, but it did really start to get me to think about who I spend my time with. What things do those people like/dislike? What are their hobbies? Dreams? Mannerisms? Are they positive/negative? Successful or just making it? 

The station went on to pose the question: "do your media interactions count?" how much time do you spend on facebook? What source do you get your news from? What music are you listening to etc... It boils down to: what you see is what you get; who/what you spend your time with influences the person you eventually become. I started thinking about my goal of reading through the Bible in a year. It has already become a challenge and I am already behind, ok, way behind, even crossed my mind to forget it. 

And then I started thinking... how much time do I spend with God? Is He one of the five people I spend the most time with? How can I be influenced by Him if I am not spending the time with him? I have enough discipline to get up at the crack of dawn to train and work out, but can't find time in my day to spend with the reason I am alive, breathing, and have the capabilities to train in the first place? Time to start training my mind and heart to get to know God. 

In a world of "fast" part of the goal behind taking the time to read through the entire Bible, for me, was to    

s  l  o  w   down my life a little bit. The issue with "fast" and my 110 mph, 110% effort, 110% of the time is results, checking things off a list, instant gratification, exhaustion, (often my excuse for not setting aside the time). Relationships don't have a drive-through, but they do have a value meal. To really get to know someone, reap the full benefits of a relationship, it takes time. To truly get to know God I need to spend time with him so that I can and want to inquire about his nature and will for my life. 

In the reading I have done...Abraham, Joshua, David, Job... no matter how many mistakes the leaders of Israel made, or how many situations they faced, despair they felt, they knew God. I have a lot of catching up to do, opportunities to spend a lot of time with God. 

Back to the book... 

"Where are you Going?"

Over the last week naturally, with graduation approaching and now complete, I have spent some time and thought reflecting on where I am, have come, and where it is I am going. Of course these questions were  presented and answered in a nice packaged answer through various speeches in ceremonies over the last few days. However, 'nicely packaged' does not seem fit when I try to answer any of the above. 

Throughout my educational career, beginning back in elementary school with questions posed as "what do you want to be when you grow up?" to middle school being asked the same question in a little more formal statement, society always had us looking to the future, jumping through hoops to reach the next step. We are always looking ahead. Second semester senior year I remember sitting in discipleship class with RVL (Ray Vanderlaan) and being asked two questions in a format similar to this:

There was a man reciting scripture and not paying attention to where he was going and he went the wrong way. By the time the man realized he had strayed from the path he had wished to take, it was getting dark and he came upon a city. The guard at the gate called out to the man, “Who are you?” and “What are you doing?” The man responded, “How much do you get paid to stand there and ask me those questions? "Two shekels," the guard replied. the man responded, "I will pay you double to stand outside my door and ask me those two questions every day when I leave my house.” 

Part of the issue in not being able to answer the who, what, where questions, for me, lies in the sought out satisfaction of the "once I get there" mindset, always looking ahead to the next phase. "Life will be so much better or easier when..." Over the course of the last five years, juggling full course loads, coaching, and working atop numerous other college stresses, all I could think about was life will be better and be in better order when I finish this project, semester, season, year, five years. Well once again, taking with the left and shaking with the right, diploma finally in hand, I am left unsatisfied. 

In an effort to live today for today instead of tomorrow, to slow down a little bit and actually embrace the idea that even though I do not necessarily know 'who am I' and for sure not 'where I am going,' I am attempting, yet again, to read through the Bible in a year. Because whether or not I have answers to questions, 

"...I do know one thing 

Is where you are is where I belong 
I do know where you go 
Is where I want to be..."

(Dave Matthews Band, Where Are You Going)

Over the course of the last 4/5 years I have attempted to complete this more than once and finally decided to push it off 'until school was done.' ironic huh? I am starting this blog as a way to keep me accountable to read, as well as to be able to look back and see growth. Feel free to follow along, comment, and grow with me. More to come, 

Stek